Codependency

A brief definition of Codependence: A multidimensional (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) condition manifested by any suffering that is associated with or due to focusing on the needs and behavior of others.  I may be mild to severe and most people have it.  It can mimic, be associated with and aggravate many physical and spiritual conditions.  It develops from turning the responsibility for our life and happiness over to our ego (false self, shadow self) and to others. 

To read two articles on Codependency review newsletters for August and September here.  Co-dependency imprints and miasms are removed in Karma Removal sessions.

Codependence can disguise itself in people and presents itself in a number of ways.  At least 15 manifestations of co-dependence may appear as various traits, patterns or behaviors and personality.  Any individual may experience and present with any one or a combination of the following:

Rescuers and fixers try to rescue and fix or help others while neglecting themselves.  They lose their identity in others.  It is learned as a survival technique growing up.

People pleasers have unhealthy personal boundaries and limits.  They would rather acquiesce and comply with others than express their own healthy wants and needs.  They have a hard time saying no to others.  People pleasing is a form of manipulation and control.

Overachievers feel empty from the loss of their True Self, and try to fill the emptiness with achievements.  But because the emptiness was not due to lack of achievement, it tends not to be relieved for very long with each achievement.  The child who takes the role of family hero is at especially high risk for this manifestation.

Inadequate Ones or Failures feel as empty as their seeming opposite, the overachievers.  Failures have low self-esteem and a recurring feeling of shame.  They feel imperfect, incomplete, inadequate, not good enough, bad, rotten and flawed at their core.  A feeling of inadequacy actually underlies and runs the overachiever’s drive to overachieve.  It also underlies and is a major dynamic in nearly all the other manifestations and consequences of co-dependence.

Perfectionists are driven by fear of failure and the need to avoid being wrong or making any mistakes.  They can drive themselves and those around them nearly crazy in the attempt.  There can be a fine line between the healthy wanting to do one’s best and learning from mistakes, and the unhealthy preoccupation with perfection to one’s own detriment.

Victims can present as the “sick one” with chronic illness, or as the “bad one”, the delinquent or scapegoat who is always getting into trouble.  The victim admits and expresses self-pity “no one understands” them.  They often whine while telling their story of woe.  Although they may toy with getting help, they rarely commit or follow through.  They admittedly run from taking responsibility for self-improvement.  They often lure rescuers, fixers and helping professionals to try to help them, so they can shame or otherwise punish them for not really helping.  Victims often eventually tell would-be helpers, “You have just made it worse”.  Victims live mostly in the past, reciting an endless string of “If Only’s”.  Victims admit they are losers, and ask others to feel sorry for them.

Martyrs are more difficult to help because they deny most of what the victim admits, such as their self-pity and feeling misunderstood, unappreciated, burdened and hopeless.  Nonetheless they may manifest these feelings by their actions and their treatment of others—their behavior speaks louder than their words.  They often sigh, refusing all suggestions or help, and say they already know all of these, have tried them and they do not work.  The martyr’s victimhood is more difficult to recognize because they can look good on the surface.  Yet they won’t take responsibility for their lives.  Martyrs often suggest that they have “too much” responsibility and may disguise themselves as rescuers or fixers.  Both martyrs and victims want someone else to take responsibility of them and want to see the other struggle and suffer.  Martyrs live mostly in the future, pretending to be done with the past.  They may also be overly religious.  While victims admit they are losers, martyrs won’t—and don’t even know it.  Both martyrs and victims refuse to face and feel their pain. 

Addicted ones- People may be addicted to things other than alcohol or drugs including other people, places, things, behaviors or experiences.  Common addictions are eating disorders, sex addiction, workaholism or work addiction, money-related addictions such as compulsive spending or shopping, compulsive or pathologic gambling, and relationship addiction.

Compulsive ones are similar to addicted ones.  Compulsions are another manifestation of co-dependence and include the addictions listed above.  While it may be difficult to differentiate some compulsions from addictions

Past losses and separations have an impact on current losses, separations and attachments.  And all of these factors bear on fear or future losses and our capacity to make future attachments.  Identifying an ungrieved loss is a beginning of getting free of its often painful hold on us.  The best way to do this is to remove the imprints and miaisms on an energetic level.  This is done through Karmic Removal sessions. Below are some examples of loss.

Important Person – Close or Meaningful Relationships: Separation, divorce, rejection, desertion, abandonment, death, abortion, stillbirth, illness, geographic move, children leaving home, etc.

Part of Ourself – Body image, illness, accident, loss of function, loss of control, self-esteem, independence, ego, expectations, lifestyle, needs, culture shock, job change, etc.

Childhood- Healthy parenting, getting needs met, healthy development (through stages), transitional objects (blanket, soft toy, etc.), gain or loss of siblings or other family members, body changes, (e.g. adolescence, middle age and older age).  Threats of loss; separation or divorce.

Adult Developmental – Transitions, including mid-life and older life.

External Objects – Money, property, necessities (keys, wallet, etc), car, sentimental objects, collections.